Whitney and Jeff: December 2011

Last Saturday I was blessed to have the most wonderful experience of my life. After experiencing it on my own, I hope and pray more than ever that everyone gets to have this experience at some point in their lives.

Some days I just look at Jeff and say, "Can you believe that we did that?" He always laughs and says, "Well, you did it" but I still say it was a team or I guess you could say a family effort. I couldn't have done it without Jeffrey and I love my memories of him helping me through the whole process. I'd always heard people describe the birthing process as an intimate event between husband and wife, but I now know that is the perfect way to describe it.

On December 1st (Evangeline's due date), Jeffrey and I went to the doctor early that morning for my appointment. I was terrified that nothing would be happening because I didn't feel that different. I definitely felt signs of early labor, but I wasn't sure if it was wishful thinking or if I was actually feeling those labor symptoms. Luckily, the midwife checked me and was happy to report I was dilated to a two almost a three, and she could strip my membranes to help the process along since my cervix had opened. She told us she'd be shocked if the baby wasn't born sometime that weekend.

Once we were home, I was so excited that things were starting. I went on walks around our housing to help the process, was drinking tons of water, and tried to make sure I was standing up as much as possible working on things, despite my new early labor symptom of achy legs.

I was so confused about the "labor contractions" I'd be feeling and how they differed from the Braxton Hicks contractions I'd felt all through my last trimester, so when my Braxton Hicks became significantly more intense that afternoon, I really thought things would be happening soon. But they didn't...

I'd gone to visit our friend, Lisa, and after talking with her I was pretty sure my "contractions" were not labor contractions. They'd stopped suddenly at that point anyway and I was more confused than ever about what to expect and how things would feel. My body knew what was about to happen though and I told Jeff I was so tired at 8 o'clock. I'd never felt so tired and I really couldn't keep my eyes open. Fortunately, Jeffrey said we should just go to bed if I was that tired. I went to bed frustrated but kept telling myself that the midwife was probably right - it'd happen sometime that weekend.

I woke up around three and kept trying to go back to sleep but I started to get weird cramping under my abdomen. At 4:30 Jeff woke up to me breathing heavily and asked what was going on. After a minute I turned to him and said, "I think I just felt a REAL labor contraction." Jeff got super excited and gave me a hug and said it was happening. His big joke in our birthing class was that he'd give me a pep talk in labor telling me, "You're strong, you're bold, you're beautiful," which I'd always roll my eyes in response and tell him that's the last thing I'd want to hear in labor. To start off our labor experience, Jeffrey of course couldn't help himself and had to give me his "pep talk" followed by him cracking himself up :)

Then as the labor contractions continued to be painful and consistently 6-7 minutes apart, Jeffrey really thought this was it and we'd be in the hospital within a couple of hours just like in the movies. He started emailing professors saying he might not be able to make it to his two finals that day, and we were surprised when everything ended up being a lot less dramatic. Our story becomes more dramatic later, but it definitely was a lot longer process than expected. No grabbing bags in a frenzy. No water breaking. Nothing like in the movies.

I was practicing the breathing techniques we'd learned in our birthing class and I just kept laughing between contractions because when I'd told Jeff I was having a REAL contraction it reminded me of this episode in the show "Up All Night."

In the episode Christina Applegate is in labor and this cute doctor comes in. She freaks out and tells him he can't be her doctor. When the doctor seems confused, she continues to explain that he's way to cute to see what's about to happen to her and she tells him, "Because it's about get REAL in here, okay? It is about to get REAL in here." Her husband sees the doctor is still confused and he leans towards the doctor and says, "I think she's talking about the poop."

When I started laughing in between contractions, Jeff asked why I was laughing. I reminded him of the episode and I just remember laughing sooo hard with him for a long time that morning. Whenever things would get more intense later, we'd sometimes think of that episode to lighten up the situation :)

As nothing was really changing with my contractions, I told Jeff to go to take his final. I stayed at home and found things to do. I even tried to sleep for an hour but kept waking up during every contraction. Jeff came home disappointed but also relieved that nothing had happened. He didn't have to go back to take his other final for a couple more hours, so we decided we'd wait and see how things went before he went back to school. I started knitting to help get my mind off the painful contractions. I'd have to stop during a contraction, but in between I could knit. My contractions started becoming super irregular and drastically slowed down in comparison to the several consistent hours of contractions earlier that morning.

We occupied our time by taking pictures in between contractions.

I still love remembering this early laboring experience though because I was knitting in our recliner (since it rocks and they say rocking chairs help in the same way as birthing balls) and Jeff told me I had to sit on a towel in case my water broke. We both seriously laugh so hard when we think back to that because little did we know a tiny hand towel wouldn't have done anything to keep that chair clean if my water had broken at home. We were both so clueless...

Our baby girl was so considerate she waited to come and let her daddy finish both his finals on Friday :)

Jeff decided to do some puzzling (he was working on a huge jigsaw puzzle) to pass the time before we went to the birthing center later that night.

Later that evening my labor contractions stopped completely and over the next couple of hours I stopped feeling the baby move. I told Jeff and freaked out a little. We called the birthing center at UCSF and they told us to come in to be checked.

She really had stopped moving significantly, but her heart rate was normal. They said they would check me to see how much progress I'd made. At that point I kept saying to myself, "Please say I'm a four or a five. Please say a four or five..." The resident checked and said I was dilated to a 1. That's right a 1. Apparently I'd gone backwards even though I'd had painful contractions for sixteen hours.

I think Jeff could see how disappointed I was and he jumped in the conversation by saying, "Just to let you know, yesterday at our doctor's appointment the midwife said we were a 2 almost a 3." The resident explained it was subjective and we'd be able to continue laboring at home.

Going home I was so frustrated and felt like this baby would never come. Jeff's parents had already arrived that evening and they met us at our apartment. I felt so tired and tried to lay down while Jeff talked with his parents. I didn't get sleep though because as soon as I laid down the contractions became even stronger and more consistent (every ten or twelve minutes). I tried to read to distract myself but it only worked for so long. Jeff's parents left around midnight and by the time Jeff laid down to go to bed, my contractions changed drastically.

I didn't know it at the time but that was what they call "Active Labor." I told Jeff I couldn't handle laying down, so I left him to try to get some sleep in the bedroom while I moaned and groaned in the living room. I couldn't sit or lay, so I just stood and paced or got on all fours to try to deal with the contractions. The TV was on to try to distract me, but at that point nothing could distract me. When it'd almost been two hours, I was so exhausted since I hadn't slept and I tried to sit backwards in a chair and lay my head on a pillow to get rest between contractions. By this point the contractions were five minutes apart, which kind of concerned me but not enough to do something about it, obviously. I'd had early labor contractions get to be five minutes apart and then after a few hours they changed to ten minutes apart or just stopped.

Jeff got up after he'd tried to sleep and asked me how it was going. I told him these felt very different, and he realized I kept shaking after I'd have a contraction. I explained that I'd get really hot during a contraction and then get sooo cold after to the point of convulsions. He'd hug me until I warmed up and then let go because I'd start getting soo hot. That was the first time that I actually felt like I could get through these contractions. Jeff continued to help by telling me to lay down in bed during contractions, try to rest, and when it was 30 seconds before my next contraction (which were four minutes apart at this point), he'd tell me to get ready. I'd then get up on all fours and deal with the contraction. I actually felt a little rested from this, but Jeff realized my contractions had slowed down to 6-7 minutes apart from laying down. So...we got up. I'd use Jeff's shoulders to brace myself during the contractions and after doing this for about twenty minutes the contractions were 3 minutes apart, which actually did scare me.

I told Jeff we HAD to call the birthing center at UCSF. Jeff was hesitant to call because we'd just left the hospital late the night before and weren't even close to being ready to be admitted. He also said if I really wanted as little medical intervention as possible, it'd be best to just stay home and labor. I was okay with that for another twenty minutes, but then I got really scared because these contractions were so close together. Jeff called the labor and delivery nurses station and they talked with me but didn't seem very concerned. They said it was up to us and if we wanted to come in we could.

This made Jeff and I both nervous that we'd just be sent home again. We both decided to just take a long time to get ready to go. We called the center at 4:30a.m. and we didn't get to the hospital until 5:45a.m. During that time I tried to labor in a warm bath/shower but HATED it. That was not helpful. I felt so horrible that I didn't dry my hair or anything. Instead, I threw up a little and kept telling Jeff how nauseous I was feeling. Jeff just threw on some clothes and we almost decided to leave the hospital bags at home! We were just both so convinced we'd be sent home. When we were walking out the door, Jeff changed his mind and grabbed the bags.

After getting to the hospital, the same resident we'd seen the night before saw my face and said I looked like I was in A LOT of pain. She asked how long this had been going on and I told her since 12:45 that morning. I just remember her face looking shocked and her saying she knew we'd be admitted for sure, but she just wanted to check to know how far along I was exactly. The resident assured me that she'd hurry because I needed to be put on some sort of pain medication right away. After she checked me, the resident's face was once again priceless as she informed me I was a 7. She asked, "You did all of that laboring at home?" Jeff and I just looked at each other and said, "Well we thought no one was going to actually let us be checked into the hospital."

I told the resident that I didn't want any pain medication but I did want to use Nitrous Oxide. Jeff and I had been excited to have me try the Nitrous since only three hospitals in the US provide that as an option for patients (even though they hand it out like candy in Europe), and UCSF just so happens to be one of those three. They also thankfully gave me something for my nausea in my IV, which helped me just be able to focus on the pain. We were all set up in my room by 6am.

Relieved to be at the hospital and so happy to be on the nitrous for the next couple of hours.

The anesthesiologist came with the nitrous and basically told me that most people don't really like it because you still feel the pain, which I was already fully aware of that fact so he set everything up with the nitrous. Once I started using it, I definitely still felt the pain, but it helped to just get through the contractions. You don't keep the mask on your face the whole time you have a contraction, which I loved because it gives you something to focus on during the contraction. The contraction starts and you breath in the mask and take it off and continue to do that until it's over. Then you just keep it off your face until the next contraction hits. Jeff noticed a significant difference in my behavior and thought I'd stopped having strong contractions. He suggested I stop using the nitrous to see if they were just as strong and I remember saying, "No, no, no. Please no." I just knew I could still feel the horrible pain, but somehow now I could cope with it better, so the last thing I wanted to do was stop using the nitrous. The best part was I could lie down and rest using the nitrous since I'd never felt able to lay down before during contractions.

The views from our labor/delivery room at UCSF. The rooms were so nice.

This continued for a couple hours and then suddenly my nausea came back full force. I told the nurse I really felt like I was going to throw up. She said that was a side effect of the nitrous and it was probably affecting me more since I'd already been struggling with nausea. I asked what we could do about it and she said nothing. She said fentanyl is only for pain not nausea and they couldn't give me more stuff for nausea for another hour and a half. This extreme nausea and the fact they couldn't do anything to make it stop is what made me start freaking out.

I put the nitrous mask on the bed, stood up, and said I wasn't going to use it anymore. The nurse became concerned since that meant I wouldn't be using anything to help with the pain. She told me to just keep using the nitrous, but I said I just couldn't do it and kept telling her I was going to throw up over and over again. This is when I hit my "transition" phase, which was definitely the most intense/worst part of the labor. I had to deal with these horrible, horrible contractions standing up and grabbing onto Jeff's shoulders. After several of these I remember saying over and over, "I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this." Jeff told me I was doing it and it'd be okay and then I remember laying on the bed on my side, holding onto the bed rail, and just screaming in pain. That was the one time I distinctly remember losing it. And the nurse came running over to me and started telling me to calm down. I'm sure they don't want women screaming out in pain and scaring the other women in labor, ha ha.

I know I screamed out at that part because I was scared more than anything. I was thinking at that moment, "If this part hurts this much, what will the next part of labor feel like." Up to this point every part had become worse and more intense. I just couldn't even imagine what the pushing would feel like and it scared me...

I was embarrassed that I'd screamed out and tried to get ready for the next contraction by standing up and holding onto Jeff again. That's when I felt water dripping from me. I started saying, "Oh no, I'm dripping something." I looked down just to see Jeff's two feet just sliding backwards away from me to avoid getting wet. I started to climb into bed on my hands and knees because I thought that must have been my water breaking, but it wasn't done. As I was climbing onto the bed, I felt a huge whoosh and heard water go everywhere. I never looked because I was so embarrassed and just kept saying, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I think I made a mess."

Everything went really fast after this. The nurse said my water broke and then they went to get a doctor to come and check me. After my water broke, I really felt like I HAD to push. The nurse told me previously when it got to this point NOT to push. I felt like I had no control, so I started saying, "I'm pushing. I can't help it. I'm pushing!" The nurse started telling me to breathe and pretend I was blowing out candles, but I didn't do it. Seriously? Candles? This wasn't my birthday party, so I was not blowing out any candles. I remember then responding, "I feel like I have to poop. I am going to push!" And then the urge went away. I don't know if I was actually pushing or if I just thought I was. The doctor ran in checked me and said I was now a 10.

This is when the pushing started. I LOVED the pushing phase and was pleasantly surprised when I realized it was so much better than the transition phase. I loved that you could channel the pain of the contraction into the pushing. The doctor (resident), midwife, and nurse kept being so amazed at how much I'd push, but if I could still feel the contraction I was going to keep pushing. It was the first time in my labor that I couldn't feel the contraction pain, but as soon as I stopped pushing, I'd feel the pain again. So I just kept pushing.

After a while of pushing, I decided to start trying different positions. The nurse and resident were just being so encouraging and kept saying that so much of the head was coming out that I was imagining her head being almost all the way out. I knew it was not good when the resident seemed flabbergasted and a little unsure about what she should say to me after I asked if her head was out yet. Boy was I disappointed when the resident lifted up her hand, showed me the size of a quarter with her fingers, and told me that was how much of the head she could see - after 45 minutes of pushing.

I remember sighing and laying back on the bed exhausted and feeling a little defeated. The nurse started asking if I wanted a mirror. I quickly told them thanks but no thanks. I'd told Jeffrey when I wrote our birthing plan that I never wanted a mirror to see what was happening. First of all - bleh. Second of all, if I couldn't see how little of the head was actually out, I could imagine the head was out and I was almost done. I felt like it'd give me more hope not seeing the actual progress and would help prevent me from getting discouraged. Last of all, we'd seen birthing videos and I knew what it looked like when women have babies, and I believed if I never saw myself looking that way, I could just pretend that I never did look that way - ever :)

The nurse was surprised I said I didn't want the mirror, so she then asked me if I wanted to feel the baby's head. Her intention was to let me know for myself how much progress I'd made, but it just sounded disgusting to me. I quickly said no and I guess that wasn't a good enough answer for the nurse because she continued to ask me to feel her head coming out. I only wanted to feel her head once it was all the way out along with the rest of her body, so I continued to decline her offers many times.

I wanted the pushing to go fast, so I started trying the different positions. Laying on my left side, standing on the bed, squatting using the labor bar on the bed, etc. The midwife and nurse finally suggested I get on my back. I really didn't want to because I was afraid of tearing, but they said I should just try it since I'd been pushing for 45 minutes. They took a sheet and wrapped it around the birthing bar on the bed, had me lay on my back, and grab each end of the sheet with each hand. Once I had a hold on the sheet, I was supposed to put my legs up on the top of the bar and basically do a crunch while using the sheet for leverage to pull myself up.

I tried this method once and HATED how it felt, so I flipped back onto my side while saying, "Nope. Nope. I don't like that." The funny part was that while I was pushing Jeff said Evangeline's head almost completely came out from under the pelvic bone. The nurse started yelling, "She's crowning. She's crowning..." until I flipped over, ha ha. Then Jeff said Evangeline's head slid right back inside.

The nurse tried to convince me to flip back over, but I refused since I had no idea what had just happened. All I knew was that whatever had just happened DID NOT feel good. After everyone kept telling me I wasn't making as much progress as I made on my back, I finally went back to that position and things really started moving along.

The rest of the pushing becomes kind of a blur. I remember them warning me about what they call "the ring of fire," which is what happens as the baby's head is crowning and finally comes all the way out. They said it would burn, but I don't remember it burning as much as I remember feeling really uncomfortable and thinking if I can just keep pushing this feeling will stop.

I also remember the resident and midwife talking to me, but not really being able to see them clearly. My eyes felt super swollen and I felt like I could barely open them to see what was going on. I didn't know it at the time, but this was a direct result of me pushing with my eyes closed. They kept telling me not to push with my face but to push up to the ceiling (whatever that means). It didn't make sense to me at the time and I just knew I wanted that baby out and I was going to push any way I knew how to push.

Jeff had the front row seat to everything that happened after this point. I remember feeling a lot less pain after her head crowned, but I didn't know exactly what was happening. I actually had no idea the doctor helping us was a resident, which is funny because Jeff says at this point her hands were really, really shaking. I'm glad I didn't see that, but from my point of view, she seemed very confident. It does make more sense now why there was a doctor AND a midwife there though.

The next thing I knew, at 11:16am, they were handing me my beautiful baby girl. I held her up to look at her and said to Evangeline, "We did it baby. We did it."

I wished I could have held her more right away, but I suddenly noticed how purple she was and I asked the nurse if Evangeline was supposed to be that color. They said they'd have to help clear her nose/mouth with an aspirator. Jeffrey went over with her to make sure everything was fine. Once I started hearing her crying, I knew everything would be okay.

Our chubby little newborn :)

After her spa treatment, or her first bath :)

I loved when the nurse asked me her name and I finally got to say, "Evangeline." It felt wonderful to have her here and for her to have a real name.

I ended up having a small tear, so since they had to stitch the tear, I told them I was afraid to hold my baby until they were done. It made me nervous that something would hurt while they were working on me, I'd jerk, and my baby would fall. Since I couldn't hold her right away, they told Jeffrey to take off his shirt and he was lucky enough to have a skin-to-skin bonding with his pretty baby girl.

That's one of my favorite memories - seeing Jeffrey rocking his baby girl on his bare chest and sobbing.

The stitching didn't take that long and I got to have the same skin-to-skin contact as I started nursing her. That's when I turned to Jeffrey and said, "Can you believe we did it?" And he quickly told me that I had been the one who did. Then I asked him if I was mean during labor and Jeff laughed and said, "No not at all. In fact, it was weird - you kept apologizing to everyone the whole time." That was a relief! I was always afraid of being mean in labor.

So glad Jeff's mom brought me Subway and Jamba Juice. The last meal I'd eaten was 16 hours earlier!

Grammy (Jeff's mom) came in once she was here!
Papa (Jeff's dad) came in later because he was picking my mom up from SFO. She arrived only a couple hours after Evie's arrival.

The resident and midwife were so kind to me at the end. They asked me right after I finished pushing her out how I felt and I told them I didn't really know. Ha ha! I think I was in complete shock from the entire experience. The resident kept telling me, "You just did something so beautiful. Can you believe you did that all on your own? You used the nitrous in the beginning, but you did this." I hadn't really thought about it that way, so I was glad she said that to me because I really did feel proud that I did something I didn't think I could ever do.

I'd always thought I'd use the nitrous the entire time, but I had no idea I'd stop using the nitrous at the worst part of the entire labor process! I still can't believe it when I look back on the experience...

After it was all said and done, I just remember feeling so grateful. I kept telling the nurse, the resident, and the midwife thanks so much for helping me again and again. I was so glad I took the time to tell them how much they helped me because you could really see a change in their faces. They knew they'd helped me do something so wonderful.

I didn't realize how much it had meant to everyone there in the delivery room until the next morning. The nurse that admitted me into the hospital ended up being my nurse the following day. She came into my room, asked if I remembered her, and said she'd heard all about my delivery and how courageous I was. That was when I realized our experience really was so special and I wouldn't change anything about it.

Since Evangeline's birth I've felt a love I didn't even know existed. I had no idea that I'd feel this new love not only for my new daughter but also for my husband. It's such a unifying, strengthening love. I feel like we are a stronger couple and now a stronger family due to this experience. Things are different now and all for the better.

I know it was hard for Jeffrey to watch me go through this whole process, but I love how he can always remain so calm. He helped me so much just being there and telling me I could do it. And when our baby girl finally arrived, I loved seeing how proud Jeffrey was of what I'd done and seeing in his eyes this new-found respect for me. He kept thanking me for what I'd done for Evangeline, which just made the whole experience even more worth it.

I am probably most surprised with my feelings about my physical changes. Before the labor I was convinced I'd just feel disgusted with myself, but I think I love my body more than I've ever loved it in my whole life. I am 20 pounds chubbier than I was before my precious Evangeline, my stomach is now permanently decorated with purple stretch marks, and I could definitely fit in with Santa right now with my "little round belly" that shakes "like a bowl full of jelly."And somehow I look at it all and feel beautiful. These scars remind me of her and being so blessed with the opportunity to raise her and teach her, so how could I not just love anything that symbolizes her.

This time of year is a time I love. To think of Christ. To remember how blessed the world was with his birth. And I have to think that Christ must feel the same about his scars. No remorse. No trauma. No anger towards his experience that none of us could ever understand. Only love for those he made the sacrifice for.